I received a wonderful email asking how women with a calling can continue when they get married and are now taken to belong to another family. I loved the question because I have faced this issue on countless occassions especially when one becomes a thwasa after marriage.
The gift of ubungoma is a complex one but when it comes to its origins, its very simple and never changes. Your gift is from your birth family and usually comprises of gifts from both your mother and your father's side of the family. That is constant. You don't need to know your parents for the gift to manifest in you or for you to be born with it or for it to be dominated by either of your birth parents.
What does this mean?
What this means is that all of us need to know our full family history, not just one side. When one begins the process of ukuthwasa, we ask for your 4 surnames, father's father and mother as well as your mother's father and mother. (Notice there is no mention of your marriage or otherwise). The Nguni tradition of always keeping a woman's maiden name alive comes into play here in a very positive way. This allows children to grow up knowing the birth surnames of their grandmothers.
How does marriage affect your gift?
Marriage adds a 5th family to which one belongs, but this family is not the root of your calling. If one becomes a Sangoma after marriage, your birth family are still very much the custodians of this gift, not your marriage family. You may change name, but the gift does not suddenly originate from your marriage family even if it becomes obvious only after marriage.
Should you get married after ukuthwasa, you don't suddenly start acquire additional people with a gift even if you marry into a family of izangoma. That gift is for the children born into that family. The essence of who you are never ever changes, no amount of lobola can change where you were born and who you are born as.
How is lobola affected when marrying a Sangoma
This is wholly dependant on the wants of idlozi of the Sangoma being married. For some people an additional cow would be paid for the priviledge of having amadlozi eSangoma come with her into the marriage. In addition, there is a ceremony which needs to be performed where the ancestors of the couple are further asked to live together and work together. This is important as it makes the family home one which is peaceful rather than one where there is no peace. In addition a space is given to the wife where she can call her ancestors and which is considered her home away from home where she can speak to her ancestors without offending the new family of her husband. This is why I can burn imphepho and speak to amadlozi akithi whilst in my marital home of the Gcabashe's.
What happens when one becomes a thwasa after marriage?
This is where complications arise especially when family members don't quite understand the substance of where this gift comes from. The gift may only become obvious after marriage but this does not change who the custodians of this gift are and their responsibilities towards this gift. As a husband, you cannot take your wife to thwasa without the knowledge and support of her family. This is because they are the custodians of this gift and need to speak at all her ceremonies with amadlozi. Likewise, as a family you cannot take your daughter to thwasa without the knowledge and consent of her husband. If this is done, where is she returning to after ukuthwasa?
Economic issues skew this issue in that if the husband has money, then the woman's family may abdicate all decision making to him because he is paying or they may feel unable to comment. The opposite is also true. If the woman's family is paying, the husband may feel unable to comment because they have the money to pay which he doesn't. The person with the money is a non issue because ultimately both families need to be involved, led by the custodians which is the woman's parents or guardians.
Why the empahsis on family
In a perfect world where families are supportive of each other, ukuthwasa is a family affair. This is becomes someone accepting the gift benefits the famiy as a whole and not themselves. In today's life that we lead this is unfortunately not always the case. everyone wants what they consider good for themselves and sometimes it serves other's interests to deny the gift or deny someone the opportunity to fulfill their destiny. This is where the problem arises. This is where decisions are taken by individuals rather than families. Family support is vital!
